Rush
by ahintofwhimsy
Summary: A description of how Katniss feels at various points in the books, focused mainly on when they take Cinna.


Rush

An experiment. A torture. A room. Grey-white walls, one door. Pain, concrete, a drain. Feelings, numb, outcast.

I watched from the plastic tube as they drug him back. Blood spattered as they hit him, I shrank back in terror when the red liquid hits the wall.

I banged and screamed, "let him go!" "don't touch him!" – don't touch the one who made me pretty.

They did it on purpose, I realized, they waited until I was trapped to show me the power they had. Power we had given them – I had given them – through submission.

I was sick as reality hit me, I empowered them, I enabled them, and yet they were afraid of me. They ha to exert their will over me to prove to themselves that they're strong.

A sick smile crossed my face for a moment, they should be afraid of me. Horror replaced it when they bashed his deformed face into the tube. His head bounced back and then they slam it again into the plastic. I can't escape. They drag him away as I start going up. This is it and that will be my last memory of time before the Games. Watching my friend get beaten to death.

As I ascend I feel that time is precious, I can sense what is to come, I can taste the salt in the air, as I get closer to the top, but the only thought in my mind is _let him die fast_. All I care to wish for is that he will die quickly that they won't prolong his suffering, and as the sunlight hits my face I know this is silly. When has the Capitol ever been gracious? When did they ever care about people?

I open my eyes to see the scene before me, the sparkling blue, clean water and Peeta. I look into his face and I can it read it in his eyes, he knows that at this moment I don't care that I could die. He can see it in my movements, something traumatic has happened and the question reflected on his face is _will she tell me what it was?_

I stand to the ready as my heart start beating faster. I feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins, and I understand that this is what I crave. This feeling of "I don't care what happens because I'm invincible right now". And it's true, right now with this power, I have it…I have that _rush_ and I am ready.

* * *

><p>Days later, on the beach, while I keep watch he joins me.<p>

"What was it," he asks, "what happened?"

"They killed him, I killed him, they killed him because of me."

"Who?"

"Cinna," at the utterance of that one word I realize that what I want is Haymitch and his bottles. I want to be there with him, forgetting everything, but I'm not, I'm with Peeta.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah."

"I can't tell you it wasn't to get to you, Katniss, and I guess part of it is my fault, if I had killed myself in the last Games then none of this would have happened, none of it."

"It would still happen, people would still be on the brink of rebellion with or without me," for once I don't care that they can hear, "I guess it's everyone's fault, really, and yet somehow I'm still to blame."

"We both are."

"Yeah, sure Peeta."

"Don't do that, Katniss."

"What?"

"Try to wave this aside, you saw it, you experienced it, you have to deal with it."

"You think I don't know that," I whisper to him, "You think I don't realize? I understand, Peeta, I understand it."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For you having to watch it."

"Thanks, Peeta."

He hugs me and that's okay, because I don't know just how much longer I have left. He's the one who has to live, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

* * *

><p>It's much later that I'm glad I'm not there to see it. When he attacks me and lashes out at me I'm glad I wasn't there to see him tortured. But I'm sad that it had happen at all. As Gale and I run through the streets I think back to our goodbye. He's the only one I really want to see again, I need to see him again. I hated saying goodbye.<p>

He grabs my hand and stops me from eating it, the pill. He stopped me because he understood what I did. He understands me like no one else, but I don't understand him, I don't understand why he's going to let them take me and do to me what they did to him. I feel it again in that moment when they take me, that rush.

**A/N: So, recently I've been talking with a friend about how much we hate Katniss in Mockingjay, and how she is just so ridiculous. So, I wrote this to quell my desire to defenestrate her.**

** I myself have been having a crap week with Uni and just had to drop one of my classes. It's terrible, everyone is disappointed and I'm the one to blame. Crap, crap, crap! Anyways, please R&R for meh please, 'twould make my day better.**

**Thank ya, meh lovelies!**

**- Ahintofwhimsy**


End file.
